I’m glad to say that all of those restless nights spent playing various Carmen Sandiego computer games are finally paying off.
Instead of tracking high-profile thieves and other notable criminals, I was assigned the job of finding out where in the world the Portland Trail Blazers have been so far this offseason.
While Rip City is surely proud of the Portland Trail Blazers’ resilience, sneaking into the playoffs after what was an underwhelming season, you best believe that the team wasn’t planning on such an early offseason. After a 0-4 series loss to the Golden State Warriors, Portland was sent fishing – Don’t let Evan Turner know I used that term, by the way.
Using only the finest technology available, I was able to track down the whereabouts of Portland’s finest basketball players. Here is what I’ve discovered throughout my exhaustive investigation.
Damian Lillard is in Portland looking for a recording studio. Is Dame D.O.L.L.A.’s second studio album on the way?
Trustworthy studio in Portland? With an engineer working?
— Damian Lillard (@Dame_Lillard) May 12, 2017
Evan Turner hopped on a jet wearing Gucci flip flops (probably) and woke up in Italy.
CJ McCollum is putting that Lehigh University journalism degree to work in the ESPN studios.
You likely saw a lot of @CJMcCollum on your TV screen the past couple days…
— Trail Blazers (@trailblazers) May 5, 2017
Shabazz Napier is gettin’ swole somewhere…
Jusuf Nurkic is back in Tulza, Bosnia-Herzegovina with his girlfriend. I offer my sincere condolences to the women of Rip City.
Meyers Leonard was at The Home Depot picking up some household construction essentials with Bella, of course.
Noah Vonleh is lounging in a palace somewhere, wearing some jeans that cost more than your rent (yes, even in Portland).
Pat Connaughton made a surprise appearance at a Fidelity House Kings AAU team practice in Arlington, Massachusetts.
— Fidelity House Kings (@FiHoKingsAAU) May 11, 2017
Jake Layman enjoyed some late birthday lunch at Manzana Rotisserie Grill in Lake Oswego with his girlfriend.
Allen Crabbe underwent successful foot surgery in New York to repair a stress reaction of the fifth metatarsal bone in his left foot. Don’t worry, he’s expected be back before training camp.
— Jamie Hudson (@JamieHudsonCSN) May 11, 2017
Maurice Harkless was, I assume, a few drinks in with Pat Connaughton. That’s a location, right?
But wait, where’s Ed Davis? Or Al-Farouq Aminu? What about Tim Quarterman?
While it can be inferred that Davis is still healing up from his left shoulder surgery, not much more is known about these three. Not to give away any of my secrets, but these cats need to get active on social media! My professional investigative career depends on it!