Getting In Shape Is Not A Team Sport

You may have heard the Super Bowl is over and the other team won.

I’m fairly certain this is how 95% of the country views the outcome of this painful event. That and the fact that the advertising seemed a bit lackluster. Usually someone at least does an ad with monkeys – did that happen? Was I too busy stuffing my face with barbecue to notice? And trying to endear myself to the hosts by looking like I was helping with the dishes in hopes of an invitation to return next year, when surely someone besides the Unmentionable Perfect Robot Quarterback will be playing, so I thus missed my beloved orangutang-themed ad?

Well, monkeys or not, it’s over, but don’t fret, there’s lots of other sports stuff to look forward to. February is ripe with sweaty happenings designed for the sports lover, as it features lots of…ah…golf. There’s quite a bit of golf in February, I think. Oh, there’s also NASCAR and other Ludicrous Speed Racing Events involving various kinds of vehicles that tend to explode. That’s always good for a few minutes (albeit impossible to watch in its entirety, I think a race takes 5 business days to complete).

Then there’s the swimsuit issue (which was literally created to fill the post-Super Bowl sports void, not that we’re admitting there’s any kind of void here and further offend those we’re offending), and I think tennis is happening. Yes, tennis! You should check out the all the beautifully genteel folks at the BNP Paris open and think about what a sweet classy, clean sport tennis is – it just screams Sergio Tacchini sweatsuits, rolls of cash and chilling out on the French Riviera. And possibly overly-tan bankers.

Wait! There’s also spring training for Major League Baseball. That’s where the players go to warm climates to get tan and occasionally get in trouble at strip clubs while we all freeze. Not unlike the perpetuity of auto racing, I think there are 872 games in the “Cactus League” before kicking off the real 1756 game season April 1.

Oh yeah there’s basketball too, college and otherwise, plus a few other sports I can’t remember like hockey.

So basically you’re screwed as far as sports fandom is concerned and it’s time I took off the gloves and really drive the point home because you’re in denial and I’m your best friend and speaking of best friends I need to borrow 150 bucks.

This lull in the sports season that everyone refuses to admit is a lull (except your best friend here who always shoots you straight) is the perfect time for you to maybe dial back on the beer a bit and get back into fighting shape. You’ve got lots to look forward to this spring so you might as well look your best. Besides, what if you want to get into a fight? You can’t just jump out in the street and start punching without training first – you’ll just get flipped on your back on the front lawn in front of your family and the whole neighborhood will point and laugh at you. Trust me on this one.

Since you’re probably wondering how on earth you’re going to do this I decided to create a brief yet extraordinarily helpful exercise guide for you to examine and later pay me for. So put down the cinnamon roll and start thinking about which of the following, very aptly described physical fitness routines you’ll choose to make your world a better place:

Peloton – this is a great subscription-based app filled with beautiful fitness models who offer encouraging words as you hyperventilate regardless of which workout you select. You don’t need to buy the 5,000-dollar bike to do the cycling workouts, but Peloton would like you to.

Muddy Hill by Your House – nothing says “impressive” more than a middle-aged person toughening themselves up by sprinting up the muddy hill behind their house rain or shine, including doing 20 pushups every time they reach the summit. Think CrossFit with way more street cred. Caution; only insane people do this. Like my very fit neighbor who obviously has something to prove.

CrossFit – this is a club mostly consisting of people who never played sports in high school and want to show up their classmates who played sports at the next reunion. There’s actually a physician on staff to write you an immediate referral for chiropractic and physical therapy services after each session.

Weightlifting – you can sort of go to a gym now, and gyms tend to have lots of weights, so that would probably be good for your mental health, even if it’s just getting out the house for a minute. Speaking of which, if you didn’t buy weights for your house back in March when everything shut down, they’re all gone, so don’t even bother going to Big 5 or WalMart or whatever. More will be available in 2023.

Yoga – on the surface this seems like it would be really easy but it’s definitely not. There are plenty of Yoga apps out there, but it’s hard to find one where you don’t end up just looking at pornography. Or so we hear. Bikram is a popular form of yoga that incorporates a 105-degree temperature with steam (40% humidity) – the best way to make this happen is to run your shower for an hour and do the poses on your toilet.

Cycling – heralded as the sport of dorks, cycling is actually really fun and liberating as long as you don’t succumb to the fashion. Oh, you need to be extremely wealthy to cycle, so if that’s not your deal, please move on.

Running – a.k.a. “laterally grimacing,” certainly possesses the lowest entry barrier of all these workouts since all you need are shoes, some form of a pathway and a violent crime-free neighborhood. Please note, as suggested there’s a reason why people who run carry and expression of resigned discomfort and often have tape covering every joint below their elbows.

That’s it. There are no other options, you have to choose one of the above.

The most important thing to take away from all this madness is you’ve really let yourself go the past few months and it’s inexcusable. It doesn’t matter that it’s winter and miserable out, or that you’re busy doing literally everything in your life from your house with your entire family on top of you and driving you nuts. The good sports are over, you might as well take all of your newfound spare time and do something productive with it – like whipping yourself into shape. Think of the impact it will make on your mental and physical health. It’s going to be great.

Also, if you follow any of the above recommended workout routines there’s a waiver at the bottom of this page you have to sign, date, notarize and return. To me, in an envelope, with 150 bucks.

About Patrick McNerthney 6 Articles
Patrick McNerthney is a former President, Titan of Industry and general Society-Improver. He owns a business called Outcasting, which purportedly offers writing services, but is most likely a front for the illegal import and distribution of vacant hermit crab shells. Patrick aspires to own an NFL team and take over his block. He’s written four books: How to Break Out of Prison*, How to Cheat on Your Taxes*, How to Steal Your Neighbor’s Roof*, and The Future Will Not Involve Underwear**. *Not written yet **Not formatted or published yet

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