In much simpler times, we could turn on the television on January 1st and click between three major broadcast networks to watch 72 straight hours of post-season, NCAA Division I Football Bowl Subdivision games and shave years off our lifespans by eating Fritos®.
Now Fritos® come in a bewildering array of varieties from which it’s impossible to choose. Despite trolling through 88 Instagram feeds to see which Fritos® the beautiful people prefer so we can mimic their preference. And witness their various antics, which are alluring. But then it turns out beautiful people don’t eat Fritos® because of the adverse side effects empty calories impart on hard-earned or cosmically gifted beauty. So we need a more reliable and relatable source: Floridians.
Thus we find ourselves lying in hammocks watching weirdly filtered, short-form mobile videos on TikTok to determine which variety of the deep-fried, extruded whole cornmeal, generally rectangular-shaped chip Floridians prefer to munch on as they bob around in floaties in their above-ground pools or perform uncomfortable dance routines with electronically-enhanced, bulbous eyes. Which turned out to be, in the following order:
Fritos® Scoops!® Spicey Jalapeno
Fritos® Flavor Twists® Honey Barbecue
Fritos® Flamin’ Hot
Fritos® Scoops!®
All occasionally enhanced with Fritos® Hot Bean Dip, Fritos® Mild Cheddar Cheese Dip, or Fritos® Jalapeno Cheddar Cheese Dip…which come in those disturbingly eternally shelf-stable, yet inconveniently undersized cans. So we have to buy like five at a time for proper snacking.
And the NCAA Division I Football Bowl Subdivision games are now only accessible exclusively through the confusing hierarchy of the ABC Family of Networks – which tentacles extend to ESPN, ESPN2, and ESPN+. Channels that, in turn, are only available through the extortion and thuggery of cable television providers or possibly Disney+. Although streaming options abound via the ESPN family of apps…and also, uh, Paramount Plus, an app that will work for the CBS network-aired games. Wait, what about the other games? And isn’t this in direct conflict with our previous statement about the “ABC Family of Networks?” Never mind.
Then there are more bowl game streaming options via Hulu Live TV, Sling TV, YouTube TV, and Fubu TV…which, combined with the above outline of options, means total monthly subscriptions could total $454.93 and makes us realize we need to stop talking about this as outrage is only helpful when attempting to manipulate voters into feeling and definitely not thinking.
At least the College Football Playoff National Championship game – actual full, legal name – will air for all God-fearing Americans to see, free of charge, except for the ads, which are how we pay to watch TV, on Monday, January 10th, at 5 p.m. Pacific Standard Time (PST) on…oh. ESPN.
Letsee here we’ll just put the Fritos® Jalapeno Cheddar Cheese Dip back on the shelf right here and slowwwwwwlllly walk out of this store before we start punching things…
For those with 34% of household incomes available for cream of the crop channels or apps that provide access to coveted sporting events, the denotation of “PST” is vital to the forthcoming Championship Game Football Watching Party with hot tubs, babes, and salted snacks – as ignoring the human convention of trying to shackle time, that famous continued sequence of existence and events that ultimately ends, for all of us, in an explosion of Twinkies on a water bed – will result in missing the first 50 or so ads.
PST is a time zone encompassing the western-most regions of Canada, the United States, and Mexico…well, wait, don’t leave out Alaska (Alaska Standard Time) or Hawaii (Hawaii-Aleutian Standard Time). Oh crap, we forgot about the Aleutians…and how does it work with American Samoa? Anyway, the point is, morally sound individuals observe PST November through March and then are forced to adopt Pacific Daylight Time (PDT) April through October, primarily to increase opportunities for planting and harvesting crops, which is very helpful in downtown Los Angeles, thus the moral soundness.
But, oddly enough, when scheduling yet another dreaded Teams, Zoom, or Google Meet video call, folks on the west coast never refer to their time zone as “PDT,” always “PST,” whether daylight savings is happening or not, which linguistics professors and etymologists (who resent each other and require offices in completely separate buildings) at major research institutions like the University of Georgia (who we hope wins on Monday) attribute to absolutely nothing.
To calculate PST, one subtracts eight hours from Coordinated Universal Time (UTC) brought to you by Mastercard. To calculate PDT, a time offset of UTC-7:00 is used. We threw that last bit because that’s how the crazies in Europe (who won’t be watching Monday’s game as they’ll all be in jail after the weekend’s Premier League soccer matches) write about time when scheduling video calls. All sorts of +’s and –‘s and 0:00’s all over the place as if we’re naval officers wearing those super comfy looking, extraordinary high-necked, exclusively off-white seafaring turtlenecks.
Also, we explained this because it turns out we could meet our federal requirement for broadcasting at least three hours of educational programming to the public as mandated by the Children’s Television Act of 1990 and beefed up with tweaks here and there through 1997. This, in turn, is because we are so popular that the FCC considers us a “terrestrial broadcast network,” and 75% of our readership is approximately 12-years old. Indicating kids are getting way smarter, or, according to our high-irritable editorial board, we need to stop making babe jokes*. Either way, wanna watcha or reada ‘bout the sports?
Gotta do some learnin’.
At least on regular television. And regular newsletters.
*Okay, okay, NOTE ON BABES. Someone is classified as a babe regardless of how the beholder gender identifies; it’s all about how one perceives hotty hotness. Or irregardless, which Merriam-Webster – (the dictionary, although now it’s Internet-based, so Lord knows who’s responsible for the content, although did we check on the contributors of the 17-pound paper dictionaries we grew up with? Nope.) – defines as “nonstandard,” but meaning the same as regardless, as the “ir” in “irregardless” serves as an intensifier rather than a negator. There, we met next month’s requirement for educational programming. And intensifier, that’s a great word, a perfect way to describe the cable/streaming/app costly mess that ENRAGES FOLKS WHO JUST WANT TO WATCH THE FREAKIN’ BOWL GAMES ON REGULAR TV LIKE BEFORE.
(Pant.)
Yes, in much simpler times, we could turn on the television on January 1st and watch many bowl games. Granted, back then, the final determinant of the College Football Division I Champion was “AP Poll” and “Coaches Poll.” That’s right, two polls, which meant the lamest thing ever could happen: Co-champions. Like when the University of Washington co-national-championed with University of Miami in 1991. Then throttled them at the following season opener (at Miami’s home field, the “Cocaine and Prostitute Bowl” or whatever it’s called). Thank you very much.
Now there are still polls and stuff, but to prevent the college football version of the dreaded “everyone gets a trophy,” at least the national champion is determined by the College Football Playoff (CFP) knockout, invitational tournament; which is somewhat better.
Ah well, nothing’s perfect. But we do miss the simplicity. College bowl games on regular TV. One kind of Frito®. One type of time (although PDT began in 1918, whoops, forget we said that somebody kicked the editor). Freedom from any obligation to educate the public or otherwise “do good” when making TV shows and thrilling broadcast-like newsletters. Sitting in our office chairs shirtless without reprisal. Those were the days.
Enjoy the game on Monday. If someone could send us their ESPN login credentials or whatever, that would be awesome.
