The Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco 49ers both won on Sunday to advance to the Super Bowl. Great. Yay. Woohoo! What about me? Why did I not qualify? I spoke with all the teams before the games, and gave them great advice. Like, literally, pitch perfect advice. I think I deserve to be invited to the game. Hear me out.
To start, I told the Titans, “Hey guys, Mahomes can do a lot of stuff. Watch out for him. Also, it’s cold in Kansas City, make sure to dress warm. I’ll have hot chocolate for all of you on the sideline.” I saw them writing down notes, but it didn’t seem to work.
I told the Chiefs, “Listen guys, being down at the start of the game really worked out well last week, so go ahead and do it again this week. The Titans will never see it coming.” Boom. My advice worked.
In the NFC game, I told the 49ers, “Look guys, just keeping running the ball. I don’t care what you do, just keep running the ball. I want to watch 3 episodes of a television show in between pass plays.” That worked perfectly. I then went over to the Packers locker room and told them, “I know this doesn’t sound great, but being down 27-0 is exactly what you guys should do. Hopefully all the best players on the 49ers will pack up their bags and leave at the half. Leading right into you guys making a comeback. But if they don’t do that, there’s no way you’re winning. I will write each of you an apology note if I’m wrong.” (The apology notes will be on their way soon, Green Bay Packers.)
My point is, I always deliver hard-hitting analysis when it comes to football. I will now present to you I list of things I have said while watching football this year.
“They’ll probably run the ball here.”
“That’s a touchdown!”
“If that were me, I’d probably go for it.”
“Get out of bounds!”
“That’s a long field goal.”
“A touchdown is worth six points.”
“That guy is good.”
“They still have two timeouts left.”
“He’s on my fantasy team!”
“Wow, that’s an upset.”
“3rd & 20, that’s pretty tough.”
‘He got both feet down!”
“Huh, that show looks pretty good.”
“I should qualify for the Super Bowl.”
“I never really liked football anyway.”
I don’t know, I feel like I did it all this year. I guess I won’t be bringing home the Lombardi Trophy this year. That’s ok, I never really liked football anyway.