The Super Bowl is on Sunday. (I say this every week, but it’s actually true this week). The Chiefs are playing the 49ers. (Assuming that both teams don’t end up making other plans between now and then). The Super Bowl is a fun, extravagant affair, but I think there could be a few editions to it to make it even more fun.
First up, no kicking. Sorry kickers, but you shouldn’t get to decide who wins the Super Bowl. Also, no punting. At the very least, there should be a limit on punting and kicking during the Super Bowl. Millions of people watch this game, why give it the opportunity to be boring? If you want people to like your sport, show the best possible version of it. To make up for it, you can give the winning team’s kicker and punter two rings each. Just make up a fake Super Bowl for the other ring. “Super Bowl XYZ Tostitos Champion!”
Two footballs. Let’s just go for it. Give the offense a second football. They can do whatever they want with it. The QB can throw it twice, or maybe a receiver already starts with one of the footballs at the line of scrimmage. Who knows?! Anything can happen! Maybe the Left Tackle secretly has one of the balls and he runs for a touchdown? Wouldn’t that be great television? Also, maybe it doesn’t have to be two footballs. Why not throw in a basketball? A DECOY BASKETBALL!! Imagine Mahomes running the read-option but it turns out he actually had a basketball, meanwhile Travis Kelce had the football and is scoring a touchdown. Hijinx! This also begs the question that scholars have been asking for ages: should a touchdown with a basketball be worth more than a touchdown with a football? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
There should be some hidden treasure somewhere in the stadium. This is where the real fun is. The rules of this are simple. If one of the teams finds the hidden treasure before the game is over, they automatically win the Super Bowl. Each team will designate two players (preferably the kicker and punter, since they won’t be doing anything anyway) to go off on the quest during the game. There will be a split screen on television between the game on the field, and the game off the field. The pairs will be given a treasure map, a list of clues, and some miscellaneous objects. These objects will be: tape, scissors, a crossword puzzle, a band aid, a kaleidoscope, headphones, and a DVD of season three of Everybody Loves Raymond. Only the real champions will prevail.
My final suggestion: whichever team wins the Super Bowl, automatically gets to play in it next year. The catch is, it has to be the exact same team. So let’s say the Chiefs win the Super Bowl for the next 25 years. That means Patrick Mahomes would have to keep being the quarterback even when he is 49 years old. Listen, would the quality of these games drastically decrease if one team was full of men in their 40’s and 50’s? Some would say yes. But not if we gave them some sort of senior discount. Perhaps the 2045 Chiefs would get 10 points when they score a touchdown, and their opponent would only get 5 points. I’m just throwing out ideas. Oh, and the players can’t retire until they lose the Super Bowl. My biggest complaint about the NFL is that there is not enough dystopian dread. This would take care of that.
I think the game will be fun on Sunday, but I think with my suggestions, it would be spectacular. Worst case scenario, I’ll just do my own treasure hunt on Sunday. If anyone would like to join me, I’ll be walking hard on the crossword puzzle.