There’s A Good Reason Why Pro Athletes Think They Can Fly

Given the general assumption by those of athletic-minded persuasions that their excellence within a given sport is automatically transferable to another sport, it’s not surprising to find a somewhat meteoric rise of contrast therapy over the past few decades. That’s where we expose parts of the body to hot and cold temperatures to reduce inflammation and improve circulation near injuries or areas of chronic pain. This is essentially a rehabilitation and recovery technique based on looney ancient naturopathic medicine what with the chanting, dream catchers, opium, 72 flavors of incense, and the intermittent application of ice and boiling water on body parts, the last of which fossil records show ancient man used to treat various ailments and maintain health and vigor until they died from frostbite and/or accidentally cooking themselves.   

Apparently, modern looney naturopathic medicine, what with its chakras, garden herbs, flock dancing, and other baffling non-prescription drug-based remedies, leans on contrast therapy as well, particularly contrast hydrotherapy where we alternate between hot baths (36-43 °C), cold baths (7-21 °C), and bubble baths (33 °C) – the latter of which are still dominated by best-selling kid and adults-who-aren’t-lame-and-uptight brand, Mr. Bubbles, and its promise to “Help Bubble You Clean and Eliminate Bathtub Ring.”

There are a few items that sing here. First, in normal temperature-speak, consider the previously listed water temperatures as 96-109 °F, 44-69 °F, and 90-15 °F, respectively. We just wanted to get a feel for using “Celsius” as our preferred temperature scale from here on out because we want to look more European, but it’s kind of clunky. 

Next, we’ve noticed an alarming decline in the frequency of adults taking bubble baths – particularly with Mr. Bubbles – as well as reports of bathtub rings. Granted, one may be dependent on the other. However, it’s hard to tell which, and we suspect bathtub ring still runs rampant through our society, but simply remains overlooked because we have so many Very Important Business Meetings, etc., so we’re too busy to care, causing this disgusting, nefarious collection of soap scum and oil to thrive thanks to our penchant for self-aggrandizing.

Finally, not all naturopaths are loons. A good indicator is whether (1.) they insist on flock dancing during contrast hydrotherapy, (2.) the therapy takes place in a room with Internet cameras/other people (3.) they prescribe the therapy despite the absence of complaints of pain or injury. 

Meanwhile, the slightly better, somewhat less creepy, modern alternative to traditional contrast therapy is simply using Icy Hot, “America’s #1 Topical Pain Relief Brand Among OTC Topicals. Feel the Power of Contrast Therapy to Rise from Pain.” 

Good lord, that’s a lot to chew on. Icy Hot originally came in a tube as a cream, but now it’s available as an advanced cream, roll-on, vanishing scent gel, foam, power gel, balm, spray, patch, and after-dinner mint. Although – given this product is apparently a “liniment,” i.e., a medicated topical preparation for application to the skin commonly applied to horses after exercise, we don’t suggest trying it in mint form.

But again, any requirement an athlete has for whichever form of contrast therapy suites their fashion is magnified by their misconception that any inherent sports excellence is automatically transferable to another sport. Thus Michael Jordan wasn’t that great at baseball; Bo Jackson was actually good at both football and baseball so forget we said that, and Jose Conseco lost TKO in the first round of the DREAM9 karate and taekwondo black-belt fight thing in Yokohama back in 2009. Despite juicing beforehand.

Nobody knows what part of the brain encourages this false assumption in ability. Except for the Irish. As evidenced by their highly questionable publication The Irish Times, and their breakthrough, viral, smelling slightly of Guinness®’s article, Elite Athletes Have Quieter Brains Than Everyone Else, which utilizes, references, and cites scientific studies from actual, non-made-up scientists of all things. 

Basically, these “Auditory Neuroscientists” from for-profit, online educational Ponzi schemes like Northwestern University claim it has to do with professional athletes’ ability to dial down extraneous noise and attend to “important” sounds (like the whistle of a baseball coming at the noggin’) better than the normals. 

Further research suggests this ability develops immediately after their crazy parents enter them in whichever sport seems the most lucrative at age two and promptly start screaming at them. Thus, these little kids have to discern what noises are important (mom’s frothing at the mouth in rage = x amount of potential harm, yet whooshing football spiraling towards groin = y amount of harm, y>x = catch football) pretty quickly. 

Then further studies show, after literally lifetimes in this environment, the pros have altered their brains to the point they sense and respond to sounds in the world around them better, which in turn magnifies their other senses, leaving some lucky athletes a sort of hyper-awareness, and a select few the ability to fly – like way up in the air. Which the government does a good job of hiding from the public as they recruit these freaks to effectively move mail across the country, keeping the U.S. Postal Service afloat. It’s basically proof we can develop superpowers – real ones, like super hearing, flying, etc. – if only we put ourselves into hazardous, life-threatening, and emotionally damaging situations.  

So now that that’s settled, let’s talk about the affair a certain member of our staff had with Laura. Oops! Sorry, Frank. Oh geez, we may have just blown-up Frank from accounting’s marriage. Let’s talk about the dalliance a certain member, a very handsome, overly strong, slightly odd nose-shaped, and former Division 1 football-playing member of our staff had with yoga. 

Frank Fagioli is a CPA for us or something, and he’s one of those annoying guys who played college football – first-string and everything – yet got good grades. As he’s aged, Frank’s just gotten so lame and doesn’t go to bars with us anymore. Ah … as he aged, he started reading publications like Men’s Health and Golf Digest which, in May of 2018, featured stories about how Bikram Yoga is great for physical, mental, and spiritual health, etc. So against our advice, he signed up for a class, although, given he was single at the time, we suspected he was trying to “meet chicks,” which he, and everyone else in the office, pointed out is really offensive and none of our business, so we stopped.

Bikram yoga is a system of 26 poses and two breathing exercises practiced in a room heated to 105 °F with a humidity of 40%, intended to replicate the climate of India. The room is filled with carpets, and the walls are covered in mirrors and spinning beds. Frank was fine with this, although he did wonder how often the carpets go out for cleaning. The big surprise came with the realization the class ran for 90-minutes. Here, Frank, come over here and tell us about your experience.

“Okay, we’re being audited, you know that, right? Things look bad, and I’m pretty busy, but whatever. It really wasn’t a big deal. I showed up, started doing some stretches to warm up until some dude told me the whole class is basically stretching, so I didn’t have to do that. It was really hot, and hard. But I felt way better afterward. I still do it. Plus that’s where I met Francine. And you know I didn’t have an affair with Laura. Nobody believes you, and they totally don’t care what you say. Most of us are looking for other jobs.”

Thanks, Frank! Riveting. Sorry about the Laura thing. We’ll catch up about the other stuff later.  

In conclusion, despite how our society both coddles, celebrates, and overpays beef hunk, really good athlete morons, reinforcing their belief in their own omnipotence, the truth is, they can’t simply bounce over to any sport or activity they want without retribution and expect to find measurable success. Instead, they should forget the whole measurement part, give us an autograph, let us hang out with them once in a while, and recognize by merely trying something new, they’ve already won. 

About Patrick McNerthney 51 Articles
Patrick McNerthney is a former President, Titan of Industry and general Society-Improver. He owns a business called Outcasting, which purportedly offers writing services, but is most likely a front for the illegal import and distribution of vacant hermit crab shells. Patrick aspires to own an NFL team and take over his block. He’s written four books: How to Break Out of Prison*, How to Cheat on Your Taxes*, How to Steal Your Neighbor’s Roof*, and The Future Will Not Involve Underwear**. *Not written yet **Not formatted or published yet