In the spirit of the most beloved post-holiday tradition, I am requesting an immediate return and exchange of goods; the product named the 2016-2017 Portland Trail Blazers.
I was truly optimistic and excited when the new NBA season began and looked forward to again be watching my beloved Blazers, especially after last year’s unexpected success and playoff run.
Imagine my disappointment on the team you sent instead. NBA, this is not the product I expected to fulfill and warm my cold winter.
Instead of the usual joy and enthusiasm I experience while watching the Trail Blazers, this year’s team has severely underperformed and has resulted in painful side effects. These side effect include: depression, anger, boredom, irritability and impotence. You have made my wife and I very unhappy.
I’m afraid I can’t watch this team anymore as currently constructed. Below are just some of reasons for why I am formally requesting a return of the 2016-’17 Portland Trail Blazers.
-Lost by 45 points to the Golden State Warriors.
-Blew late leads against the Milwaukee Bucks and Memphis Grizzlies on consecutive nights between my birthday. Not cool.
-Blew a 20-point lead to the Indiana Pacers.
-Are at the bottom of the league in defensive efficiency.
-Have had the worst team defensive rating in franchise history.
-Sub-.500 record in January.
Please accept the attached NBA Return Request Form for immediate exchange of this current Blazers team for the team I requested at the beginning of the season. Help make 2017 a better year and give joy back to Rip City.
Sincerely yours and have a happy new year,
Please Specify Parts/Problems with NBA team/player(s):
Lack of clutch play
Maintaining a Lead
Can’t win against contending teams
Team still has a cat as a mascot
This version did include with Mike and Mike
Please answer the following question in order for your request to be valid
1) If it is a team you are requesting to return, is that team the Philadelphia 76ers?
If you answered Yes, then you have reached the maximum number of Return Request Forms within a 10- year span. Therefore, your request is invalid.
If you answered No, then please continue.
2) Underline one word below that best describes your feelings when watching the NBA team/player(s) you are requesting to return.
3) If request is granted, would you be willing to donate rejected team/player(s) to Seattle?
4) Please list any parts of the team/player(s) still functioning properly.
Damian Lillard’s offense
CJ McCollum breaking ankles
Falling in and out of love with Mason Plumlee on a quarter by quarter basis.
Yelling at Meyers Leonard only because I secretly want to be him.
5) Will any of the following options be an acceptable alternative to your request for a return of goods?
A) Logo change
C) Coaching change
D) Adding LeBron James to your team*
E) None of the above
*Option D not available outside of Cleveland and Miami.
Thank you for your request. Your Return Request From will be reviewed by the league office. We appreciate your patience on this matter, please continue to watch your team/player(s) to see if your request has been granted. You will know if it has. Oh yes, you will know.
The NBA Gods