Where In The World Are The Portland Trail Blazers?

Image by Alex Haigh (@owlhix)

I’m glad to say that all of those restless nights spent playing various Carmen Sandiego computer games are finally paying off.

Instead of tracking high-profile thieves and other notable criminals, I was assigned the job of finding out where in the world the Portland Trail Blazers have been so far this offseason.

While Rip City is surely proud of the Portland Trail Blazers’ resilience, sneaking into the playoffs after what was an underwhelming season, you best believe that the team wasn’t planning on such an early offseason. After a 0-4 series loss to the Golden State Warriors, Portland was sent fishing –  Don’t let Evan Turner know I used that term, by the way.

Using only the finest technology available, I was able to track down the whereabouts of Portland’s finest basketball players. Here is what I’ve discovered throughout my exhaustive investigation.

Damian Lillard is in Portland looking for a recording studio. Is Dame D.O.L.L.A.’s second studio album on the way?

Evan Turner hopped on a jet wearing Gucci flip flops (probably) and woke up in Italy.

CJ McCollum is putting that Lehigh University journalism degree to work in the ESPN studios.

Shabazz Napier is gettin’ swole somewhere…

Jusuf Nurkic is back in Tulza, Bosnia-Herzegovina with his girlfriend. I offer my sincere condolences to the women of Rip City.

Live life to the fullest,and focus on the positive. #jednaglumačka #čistoludilo #greattime #sreća #inshallah

A post shared by Jusuf Nurkić (@bosnianbeast27) on

Meyers Leonard was at The Home Depot picking up some household construction essentials with Bella, of course.

Running errands with Bella

A post shared by Meyers Leonard (@meyersleonard11) on

Noah Vonleh is lounging in a palace somewhere, wearing some jeans that cost more than your rent (yes, even in Portland).

A post shared by Noah Vonleh (@nvonleh) on

Pat Connaughton made a surprise appearance at a Fidelity House Kings AAU team practice in Arlington, Massachusetts.

Jake Layman enjoyed some late birthday lunch at Manzana Rotisserie Grill in Lake Oswego with his girlfriend.

Late bday lunch

A post shared by Jake Layman (@j_lay_lay) on

Allen Crabbe underwent successful foot surgery in New York to repair a stress reaction of the fifth metatarsal bone in his left foot. Don’t worry, he’s expected be back before training camp.

Maurice Harkless was, I assume, a few drinks in with Pat Connaughton. That’s a location, right?

But wait, where’s Ed Davis? Or Al-Farouq Aminu? What about Tim Quarterman?

While it can be inferred that Davis is still healing up from his left shoulder surgery, not much more is known about these three. Not to give away any of my secrets, but these cats need to get active on social media! My professional investigative career depends on it!

About Darby Marioth 12 Articles
Being that Darby was born and raised in Portland, Oregon, it would only be fitting that he would have a deep love for vibrant forests, rushing rivers, and NBA hardwood. He's been covering the Portland Trail Blazers since his junior year at Franklin High School, where he took a year of French language classes in order to meet Nicolas Batum. Over the last couple of years, Darby has had multiple Blazers-related articles syndicated by various local publishers. A rec league regular, Darby will proudly tell you about that one time he almost brought his team back from a 16-point deficit. If he had to compare his game to a former NBA player, he would tell you that his skill set is a mix of Jameer Nelson and Corey Maggette. Try to figure that one out. By day, Darby is a social media manager & PR representative. By night, he's a writer covering the NBA. You can keep up with Darby's Trail Blazers/NBA ramblings on Twitter (@DarbyMarioth).