Should I Be A Virtual NBA Fan? Or A Cardboard MLB Fan?

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Sports often ignite debates. Debates on questions such as:

Who’s the best quarterback of all time?

How many championships would Michael Jordan have won if he hadn’t retired?

Who’s the 37th-best quarterback of all time?

Today, I’d like to answer a question about a debate that’s been going on for 10s of days.

Would you rather be a cardboard fan at a baseball game, or a virtual fan at a basketball game?

In one of these scaniors, you are you. You are not fake. You can have a nice view of a professional basketball game. You can remember it in your memory, and tell your friends about it. On the other hand, you can be a cardboard cutout, but you are not physically there as a person; however, you could be right behind home plate. A great seat is hard to pass up, no matter if you’re a cardboard cutout, or just an average, everyday, non-cardboard cutout. It’s less expensive to send Fake Steven™ behind home plate, than if I were to go as Real Steven™.

As Virtual Steven, I can actually wave to people on TV. I could maybe make some noises that the players could hear. Fake Steven is just quietly watching a baseball game against his will. (Which is how everyone watches a baseball game.)

Virtual Steven is watching a game he actually wants to watch. Cardboard Steven is watching his 5th favorite sport. (His favorite sport is Rugby, thanks for asking.)

Cardboard Steven is also running the risk of obtaining a severe injury. He doesn’t have a glove, let alone any arms to protect him from any foul balls. He’s just sitting in place like a fool. (I’m wearing a glove while writing this, you never know when a foul ball is going to get you.) I would almost have to make a Backup Cardboard Steven™ that sits right behind 1st String Cardboard Steven, just in case he gets hurt. Better yet, I could buy out an entire stadium full of Cardboard versions of me. (This sounds like the plot of a really cheesy horror movie, but that’s great, because I could sell the rights to my Cardboard Steven Army to a major motion picture studio, in exchange for a high amount of dollars.)

Obviously, I could have Cardboard Steven be a virtual fan. There’s no rule that states that virtual fans have to be real people. Cardboard Steven might actually distract the players more than Real Steven could. It would be unnerving to be dribbling the ball, and see someone just being completely still. Players would wonder if I was OK, and ask if I needed help. Meanwhile, my favorite professional basketball team will have stolen the ball, and scored two professional basketball points.

At the end of the day, I think I have to use both, so I can be in two places at once. I’ve always wanted to be at a basketball game and a baseball game at the same time. I’ve dreamed of that since I started writing the beginning of this paragraph. I’ll have so much power and clout. “Hey, there’s the guy who was at two games at once! Let’s be friends with him!” I would also hope this would fast track my enshrinement into both Hall of Fames.

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Steven Peeler

Steven Peeler was born on a cold, snowy night in January of 1996. This has nothing to do with him becoming a writer, he just likes to tell people that. Steven predominately grew up in the Portland area, where he played football, and baseball as a kid. He attended college at Portland State University, where he received his degree in advertising. He is currently looking for a job, so if any of you nice people reading this are looking to hire someone, why not hire Steven? He’s a nice, punctual, young man who always says please and thank you. Plus, he was born on a cold, snowy night.

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