Now with unassailable logic
The NFL schedule is out. The schedule-makers were not kind to the Seattle Seahawks, as expected. The blue birds of the Pacific Northwest will still have to play NFL-caliber teams through the duration of the 2018 campaign. Not a 2017 Cleveland Browns, 2008 Detroit Lions or even a 1992-vintage Seattle Seahawks team looms on the calendar.
It won’t be pretty. Mostly. Here’s how it’s gonna go. All times Pacific. All wins surprising. All predictions guaranteed if you are thinking on sports betting during the season.
Sept. 9 at Denver Broncos, 1:05 p.m. (FOX)
The schedule-makers were actually kind to the blue birds right out of the gate. They send the Seahawks on the road to Denver in early September—by far the best time to visit the Mile High city, well before the cold steel shaft of winter penetrates the sheet-frozen faces of all who deign to visit. It will probably be quite toasty as the Broncos kick off the Case Keenum era of quarterbacking in the city of perpetual quarterback auditions.
Surprise! The Seahawks win 27–23 as the Broncos realize too late that Case Keenum, Paxton Lynch and Trevor Simien are actually the same guy. And none of them are from the Elway family tree. Or even the Brister tree. Seahawks starting running back C.J. Prosise makes it through the game intact but tears his ACL in the post-game shower. Seahawks fans mood: Pissed. They figured there was no way the Seahawks could pull off a road win, so were guilted into apple-picking at the mother-in-law’s and checked in on the game with their smartphone that gets one bar (at best) reception in Wenatchee.
Sept. 17 at Chicago Bears, 5:15 p.m. (ESPN)
The Seahawks hop on a plane for the second week in a row and land in the Windy City. Las Vegas sets record for zero bets placed on an NFL team as consensus betting opinions won’t allow the possibility that the Seahawks can start the season with two road wins.
Surprise! The Seahawks win 26–20. Nobody understands how. Las Vegas burns to the ground. Seahawks fans mood: Pissed, bursting with a coming conviction of invincibility and inevitable Super Bowl run. Didn’t get to see this game due to certainty of loss and instead opted to fulfill community service obligations on Sunday. Seahawks starting running back Mike Davis injures shoulder chip blocking a missed assignment by latest offensive line project, Sue Bird.
Sept. 23 vs. Dallas Cowboys, 1:25 p.m. (FOX)
The winless Dallas Cowboys slink into Seattle needing a victory to not be out of the running before October. They get it as Seahawks realize too late that tight ends are still allowed to play from scrimmage.
Seahawks fans mood: Pissed, with strident demands to fire John Schneider and his heirs. Seahawks starting running back J.D. McKissic is lost for the season when he is unable to be located under a pile.
Sept. 30 at Arizona Cardinals, 1:05 p.m. (FOX)
Cardinals’ new quarterback Sam Bradford breaks like glass. Unfortunately for the blue birds, Bradford’s duct taped knee lasts through the first quarter of the season. Seahawks’ offensive onslaught battles to a 3—3 tie in the desert. In overtime, the blue birds drop a Bradford wobbler up the sideline and Larry Fitzgerald plucks it out of the hands of Richard Sherman’s replacement in the end zone. Cardinals 9, Seahawks 3.
Seahawks fans mood: Apoplectic. None of them bother to look this word up but they know they don’t like it. Seahawks starting running back Eddie Lacy, brought back in a desperation move, is a healthy scratch. He’s cut on Tuesday.
Oct. 7 vs. Los Angeles Rams, 1:05 p.m. (FOX)
The new-look Rams come to town and Aaron Donald and Ndamukong Suh decide to move in to Russell Wilson’s house to save themselves the trouble of having to push down his blockers before tackling him. Rams 44, Seahawks 0.
Seahawks fans mood: Resigned. Nobody expected anything different. Seahawks starting running back Russell Wilson leads the team in everything, but still only gets single digits.
Oct. 14 at Oakland Raiders (London), 10 a.m. (FOX)
With Las Vegas still burning (see week two), the Seahawks travel to London to face the Raiders to learn that the Raiders have taken up residence in London and are no longer planning to move to Vegas next year. The Raiders changed their names to the London Dinsdales and are now known as the top street gang in Britain. Dinsdales 30, Seahawks 10.
Seahawks fans mood: Pretending not to notice. Seahawks starting running back Spiny Norman suffers an acute attack of remorse and quits the league.
Oct. 21 – Bye
Merciful bye.
Oct. 28 at Detroit Lions, 10 a.m. (FOX)
Former Seahawks receiver Golden Tate hurts the Seahawks’ feelings with some vicious side eye and unsubtle smirking. It’s over before halftime. Lions 33, Seahawks 12.
Seahawks fans mood: Pining for the Sonics. Seahawks starting running back Sebastian Janikowski has most productive rushing game of his career, which consisted of one carry whereupon he kicked the football back into Russell Wilson’s hands and was cut in the first quarter.
Nov. 4 vs. Los Angeles Chargers, 1 p.m. (CBS)
Seahawks accuse the Chargers of being imposters, insisting they should have traveled from San Diego. They refuse to take the field. Forfeit: Chargers win; no score recorded.
Seahawks fans mood: Proud. Seahawks starting running back Dan Doornink insists he retired decades ago and begs to be left alone.
Nov. 11 at Los Angeles Rams, 1:25 p.m. (CBS)
Seahawks travel to La La Land and promise to take script meetings with every member of the Rams’ roster. They then lock the Rams players in their rented offices ask if they want anything like water or coffee through the glass. Rams forced to forfeit. No score recorded. Surprise!
Seahawks fans mood: Over it, and definitely feel like the script needed some polish. They have a guy. Seahawks starting running back Tom Cruise breaks ankle performing his own cuts and is lost for the season.
Nov. 15 vs. Green Bay Packers, 5:20 p.m. (FOX/NFLN)
The Seahawks cannot win in Green Bay. Packers 40, Seahawks 0.
Seahawks fans mood: Making Thanksgiving plans. Seahawks starting running back Ahman Green comes out of retirement, but forgets which team he is playing for and runs the wrong direction. Pete Carroll is encouraged.
Nov. 25 at Carolina Panthers, 10 a.m. (FOX)
Seahawks plane accidentally lands in South Carolina and team is trucked up to Charlotte in the back of hog trucks. Seahawks’ offensive line successfully begs hog truck driver to “go around a few more times” and they miss the first half of the game. Nobody notices. Surprise! Seahawks win 12–9.
Seahawks fans mood: Calculating playoff chances. Seahawks starting running back Mike Davis, reinserted into the lineup, reinjures his shoulder on purpose when he realizes nobody remembered him from week two.
Dec. 2 vs. San Francisco 49ers, 5:20 p.m. (NBC)
Start of game is delayed as Pete Carroll chokes on gum during Richard Sherman’s first barrage of pregame taunts. Jimmy G continues his magic during the 49ers’ undefeated season and they romp in Seattle 55–6.
Seahawks fans mood: Explosive. Seahawks starting running back Frank Gore runs for 100 yards—all in the fourth quarter when most of the 49ers are on the bus. They offer him a nap and he’s never heard from again.
Dec. 10 vs. Minnesota Vikings, 5:15 p.m. (ESPN)
Vikings are so annoyed by the constant downpour of rain upon landing in Seattle they pack up and head back to Minnesota. Seahawks text their friends asking what to do and decide to “live their truth” and follow the Vikings back to Minnesota. It doesn’t work out. Vikings 28, Seahawks 0.
Seahawks fans mood: Jilted. Seahawks starting running back Nicholas Sparks is severely injured in a paper cut incident and is lost for the season.
Dec. 16 at San Francisco 49ers, 1:05 p.m. (FOX)
Seahawks team bus gets caught in South Bay traffic and team has to walk final three miles to stadium. Worn out Seahawks are no match for the still undefeated 49ers at home, who have cloned Richard Sherman with Ronnie Lott and are playing four defensive backs all named Dick Lott while the regular starters rest. 49ers 55, Seahawks 0.
Seahawks fans mood: Impressed. Searching for 49ers paraphernalia online using a private browser. Seahawks starting running back, the ghost of Hugh McElhenny, is super pissed at how much money these guys are making these days and demands that you know he’s not dead.
Dec. 23 vs. Kansas City Chiefs, 5:20 p.m. (NBC)
Oh, who cares at this point? Chiefs 30, Seahawks 10.
Seahawks fans mood: Santa! Seahawks starting running back Will Ferrell thinks he’s promoting Elf 2: Snowless in Seattle, but quickly learns otherwise when Russell Wilson hands off to him once. He will be missed.
Dec. 30 vs. Arizona Cardinals, 1:05 p.m. (FOX)
Seahawks marketing department pulls of marketing coup of the year by advertising that the Seattle SuperSonics will take the field instead of the Seahawks. Records set for attendance don’t change the outcome as the Sonicshawks fall to the Case Keenum-led Cardinals (now on his fourth team of the season), 3–2.
Seahawks fans mood: Pissed at refs. Seahawks starting running back Gary Payton sets franchise single-game record for rushing yards and steals.
