Basketball is back! That’s right, it had left for a little bit, and honestly I was a little worried that it was never coming back. It’s like when you can’t find your pet for a few hours. Did they run away? What did I do to deserve this? Why does this keep happening to me?
Anyway, the Blazers are currently on the outside looking in for the playoffs, so I thought I’d bring out the old pen and paper and jot down some ideas on how they can make the playoffs this year.
Option 1: Win more games. This seems to be the easiest option, right? Like, they can totally do that. Just score more points than the other teams. Enough said.
Option 2: Join forces with another team and be two teams pretending to be one team in a big trench coat. This trick always works! They can have 10 players in the coat, and be super tall! No one would stop them!
Option 3: Ask for an I.O.U from the NBA. Just write a nice letter to the commissioner and tell him that you’ll return the favor at a more convenient date.
Option 4: Sneak into the NBA offices in the middle of the night and change the standings. Kind of like changing your grade on a report card. No one will know! (I assume that’s what the Bulls did in the ‘90s. They just put their name on the trophy, and no one noticed.)
Option 5: Have a few of the players break off and form their own team called the “Oregon Adventurers.” They’ll play them multiple teams, win, and boost their record.
Option 6: Let’s say the Grizzlies get the 8th seed. What’s stopping the Blazers from just showing up to Memphis and getting to the arena before they do? Have the Blazers arrive at 5 a.m. and lock the Grizzlies out. Honestly, this is probably the easiest option. I’m sure there’s some rule that if another team beats you to your own arena, you have to let them play.
Option 7: Just don’t make the playoffs. Make it seem like it’s the cool new thing to do. Soon enough, everyone will be doing it, and no one will win the championship. Problem solved.
I hope at least one of these options will work. I’m booking the plane tickets to Memphis now.