With the draft season in full swing for the NBA, it is high time someone put together the most realistic mock draft. Your mileage may vary.
1. Atlanta Hawks
KYLE PITTS, FORWARD, FLORIDA
Atlanta has a glaring need in the front court, and Pitts can jump out of the gym. Plus, he would actually see use in the Hawks offense, which is something that can’t be said for the Falcons.
2. Washington Wizards
VICTOR 2.0, CENTER, UNKNOWN SCIENCE LAB
With there not really being a top option this year, Washington put those DC tax dollars to work by making a clone of the living Colossus of Rhodes, Victor Wembanyama. All of the bugs haven’t been worked out just yet. He only has half a functioning brain, which instantly puts him above Jontay Porter. They’re hoping the third arm sticking out of his stomach falls off at some point, but until then, it’ll make for interesting talk about contact in the paint.
3. Houston Rockets (from Brooklyn)
REED SHEPPARD, GUARD, KENTUCKY
I have to throw a real one in here somewhere. Just to genuinely confuse the algorithm.
4. San Antonio Spurs
NADIR HIFI, GUARD, FRANCE
Yes, no one has heard of him. Yes, he technically entered the draft last year, and no one selected him, making him ineligible. Yes, Gregg Popovich will turn him into a 10-time All-Star and potential Hall of Famer. I don’t make the rules; that’s just how it works.
5. Detroit Pistons
CILLIAN BYRNE, GUARD, IRELAND
Some might say he’s too short to play in the NBA, standing just three feet tall. His defense is somewhat suspect, considering he is a leprechaun and, therefore, may not exist. But considering how cursed this team seems to be regarding draft order, a little luck would go a long way.
6. Charlotte Hornets
BRONNY JAMES, GUARD, USC
I want to see it. I NEED to see it—Call LeBron’s bluff. Take the player, and see if playing with his son is THAT important to him. It will be absolute chaos from start to finish. Yet, it will still be a better use of a draft pick than Adam Morrison.
7. Portland Trail Blazers
MARK SEARS, GUARD, ALABAMA
Picking the shortest player in the draft this year at 5’10 would be a gamble, to be sure. But it is all part of Chauncey Billups’ master plan. It’s an entire lineup of nothing but guards. Matisse Thybulle at center, Shaedon Sharpe at power forward, Anfernee Simons at small forward, Scoot Henderson at shooting guard (why was this ever something they attempted?), and Sears as the point guard. Who cares about stuff like height or size? You can’t put a measurement on heart (though you can guess how many games it’ll win. Probably less than 25).
8. San Antonio Spurs (From Toronto)
RON HOLLAND, FORWARD, G LEAGUE IGNITE
In their final season, the G League Ignite seemed to be cursed. Critics have taken them to task for failing to develop prospects. This is concerning, considering the Ignite’s whole purpose was precisely that. Jalen Green and Scoot Henderson are some of the big names that have struggled at the NBA level. So Holland goes to San Antonio because if anyone can break that curse, it’s them.
9. Memphis Grizzlies
DR. SHANNON CURRY, COACH, CALIFORNIA
Unconventional, to say the least, to take a coach in the draft. Especially one who has never played basketball and doesn’t even work in an athletic field. However, she has name recognition (ignore that she’s not actually related to the basketball Currys), and most importantly, is a high-profile lifestyle counselor who can keep Grizzles’ star Ja Morant focused on the court. Memphis is good enough that the biggest thing standing in their way is their mercurial star. This might help.
10. Utah Jazz
TRAVIS KELCE, FORWARD, CINCINNATI
Yeah, he’s 34. But think of all of the eyes that will be drawn to every single Jazz game. Basketball as a professional sport is about making money, and Utah will be raking it in from the Swifties every home game. Utah’s more religious fans may have preferred a different Kansas City Chief, but the only one allowed to kick in basketball is Draymond Green.
11. Chicago Bulls
COOPER FLAGG, FORWARD, HIGH SCHOOL
Chicago is going the litigious route, suing the NBA to allow them to draft 17-year-old Cooper Flagg, the player teams will be “Failing for Flagg” this season. With the team signaling that they are moving into rebuild mode, trading fan-favorite defense wizard Alex Caruso for Josh “Please Don’t Google Search My Name” Giddey, it only makes sense to lay claim to the best player next year. If this fails, don’t worry. Chicago will almost certainly be in range to pick him next year.
12. Oklahoma City Thunder (From Houston)
JOEY CHESTNUT, GUARD, SAN JOSE STATE
Now that human black hole Chestnut cannot participate in the famous Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, his time is freed to join the Thunder. His role: putting about 50 pounds on Chet Holmgren so he stops getting blasted out of the post by stiff breezes.
13. Sacramento Kings
ZACH EDEY, CENTER, PURDUE
Where else is the most polarizing prospect in the 2024 Draft to go but the most polarizing squad in the NBA? Edey is either a giant whose skills will translate based on how much he dominated college basketball or a relic of a bygone age of immobile big men that the NBA has passed by. And the Kings are either a team one piece away from unlocking the talent and making a Finals push or a Jenga tower held aloft by Domantas Sabonis like Atlas. In this way, they were made for each other.
14. Portland Trail Blazers (From Golden State)
KYLE FILIPOWSKI, FORWARD/CENTER, DUKE
Despite a stated game plan of five guards, Portland decides to also embrace a decades long tradition: picking a stretch big with a slower release far higher than he should be selected. Meyers Leonard and Zach Collins can only shake their heads and sigh as Filipowski takes their place in Blazers lore: looking like a deer in the headlights on wide open threes.
15. Boston Celtics (From Miami)
ALEX SARR, CENTER, FRANCE
Miami trades the 15th pick in a complicated deal that finally rids them of Tyler Herro’s contract as the Heat finally learn that no one wants to pay that much for the Anfernee Simons of the Eastern Conference. Boston gets the pick and takes the best defensive center in the draft, making them even better and their fans even more insufferable. Bill Simmons will crow for weeks on end, making him unable to realize that this column idea was his almost 25 years ago. My plan is complete. Enjoy the Draft.
