The Portland Trail Blazers lost to the Toronto Raptors on Wednesday. Cool. Sweet. Moving on.
“Hey Steven, big fan, but isn’t this how you started your last column?”
“Hey fan, yes, yes it is. Thanks for noticing! I will be sending a signed copy of this week’s column to your house! Be on the lookout! Thanks so much!”
Alright, now that I’ve gotten my yearly good deed out of the way, let’s get back to the Blazers. This was the third Blazer game I have gone to this year. They have lost all of those games. Why is that? Is it because of all the injuries that have happened to the team? No. I think it’s because of me. The science backs it up. The only time they have won a home game this year is when I wasn’t there. Interesting.
Am I just a curse to the home team? If I had gone to their game in LA against the Clippers would they’ve won? Maybe. There’s only one way to find out. I need one of you nice people to fund my trips to every Blazers road game for the rest of the season. Please. It’s for science. I already have a GoFundMe ready to go. Think about it, you could play a part in the Blazers winning the championship! If my hypothesis is correct, and the home team loses every time I’m at a game, then the Blazers will go undefeated the rest of the season! You’ll get a ring for your financial efforts! Honestly, it’s a no brainer.
Maybe it’s where I’m sitting during the games. Each game I have sat in the 300 level. Do I need to be closer to the action? Do the players need to see me in order to play better? You know how sometimes kids play better when they know their parents are in the stands? Do I need to be the Blazers dad? Should I dress more like a dad? Go out and buy some New Balance sneakers, and a nice windbreaker. Ask them questions like,
“So how’s Netflix?”
“What time does Instagram open?”
“Can I become a meme?”
Is it the food I’m eating at the games? The first game I had a burrito. Second game I just had a beer. And at this last game I didn’t eat or drink anything. Do I need to have a high quality dinner in order for them to win? Should I bring a steak dinner with me? Can I get through the security detectors with that? Should I have an appetizer, a main course, and a dessert? If you happen to be a player on the Blazers and you’re reading this, please tell me each players favorite food, and I will bring those items and eat them at the next game I’m at. You can email me the list at: email@example.com
Am I not cheering loud enough? I’m mostly a low-key guy, but maybe I can’t be while I’m at a game. Do I need to be starting cheers? I don’t know any cheers. Would any of these work?
“1,2,3, ball in basket, please!”
“I’m a fan of the Blazers, give a thumbs up if you’re with me!”
“Hey everyone, please fill out this quick survey on why you like the Blazers! Thank you!”
“Basketball, basketball, we like it!”
Whatever the reason may be, I’m still having fun at the games. I’m hoping this article will reach the team, and we can figure this out together! Because it’s not them, it’s me.