It’s your buddy Steven here. We don’t actually know each other, but we have a few things in common. We both grew up in Lake Oswego and went to the same high school. Your name is Kevin. I’ve met multiple people named Kevin. Your last name is Love, and I love breakfast. You play professional basketball, and I moved back in with my family after college. But hey, there are some things you can do to give us a few more things in common. Let me explain.
I’m a Blazers fan. If you were to come to the Blazers, that would give us a huge thing in common! When I go to the games, we would be at the same place at the same time! If it’ll make you feel better, I can ask my employer if I can also be traded to the Blazers. If the cap space doesn’t work out, I’m sure the Blazers can arrange that I sit next to you on the bench during the games. I can be a great hype man! Here, let me give you some examples:
“Good job, Kevin!”
“I approve of your rebounding, Mr. Love!”
“You are significantly better than the player guarding you! I even have stats to back it up!”
See, it can be fun!
Second, if you come to the Blazers, you can move back in with your parents! Think of how much money you’ll save. No need to have a car anymore, they can drive you to the games, and pick you up. Even better, the two of us could carpool to the games! I might ask you to chip in for gas every now and then, (you know, because you’re a millionaire,) but I can take care of most of it!
Alright, Kevin, let’s get a little serious. I’m sure you grew up a Blazers fan, or at the very least, a Blazers acknowledger, and I know that you know they haven’t won a championship since 1977. How cool would it be if a hometown player led them to their first championship in over 40 years? It would be even cooler if he did it with his new best friend Steven “I went to the same high school as Kevin Love” Peeler. (I am also fully ready to make that my middle name, FYI.)
Seriously, Kevin, they would build a statue of you! I’m sure like a building or something would also be named after you. Maybe even a bridge! So long, Burnside Bridge; hello, “Kevin Love helped us win a championship Bridge.” We could even rename the state bird after you! So long, Western meadowlark, hello, “Kevin Love Presents: the Western meadowlark.” I love it.
Alright, Kevin, that’s all I have to say. I hope you’re able to push for a trade to the Blazers. I’ll try my best to pull some strings and get myself traded there too. Also, I’ll take an advance in that gas money. Thanks.
Your new friend,