Super Bowl Sunday. It’s almost here.
That means you’re more than likely heading to or hosting a party. According to legend, the Monday after the Super Bowl has more employees call in sick than any other day of the year.
That means there is some fun to be had this Sunday.
Chances are you’re watching the game with friends. You may think you know them, but there are some things you can learn by how they act at a Super Bowl party.
There are certain rules about Super Bowl Party People that simply can’t be broken. These may be based on what they bring to the party or how they act at the party. Here’s a playbook to detect the type of people you’re spending the afternoon with.
Usually a girl, the person bringing desserts doesn’t care much about the game. This person is more interested in the commercials. But Dessert Person put a lot of time and thought into those football-shaped brownies. And they’re delicious. Dessert Person will be the most popular person at the party by the end of the game.
This is your traditionalist. Wing Guy has made wings using the same recipe since San Francisco’s first Super Bowl, likely longer. He knows what he’s doing. The minute you mention how good they are — and they’ll be good — he’s going to give you way more details about the wing process than you needed to know. But he’ll also tell you it’s just not quite right — they aren’t as good as the batch he made for Super Bowl XXXIV. Wing Guy knows football. He doesn’t care about the theatrics around the game. He’s going to tell you to shut up at least once to hear the analysis of why that pass play didn’t work.
Obscure Food Guy
This is the wild card. The food could be good — bacon-wrapped shrimp — or it could go untouched — peanut brittle. Odds are this person didn’t let you know he was coming to the party until the last second, if at all. He’s likely to be as interested in the halftime show as he is the game as he is the commercials as he is the dog. It’s a good thing this guy is at the party though. Of all the people offering up their observations on how wise it was for Jim Harbaugh to keep LaMichael James’s legs fresh during the regular season or how John Harbaugh needs to get the ball to Ray Rice more often, his will somehow be the best — and easily the funniest.
Chips are party staples. When was the last time you were at a party without some type of chips? Now, think about who supplied them. It should be the host. That’s not always the case. Don’t expect much out of the guy that shows up with chips. He hasn’t thought ahead and he’s too cheap to bring beer. This guy isn’t going to add much to the conversation other than “Yeah!” or “You suck (insert name of the team the majority of party-goers are rooting against)!” Chances are this person wasn’t too high on the list of invitees. And he’s going to get way too drunk.
Like Chips Guy, Beer Guy doesn’t usually plan ahead. The difference is he wants the other people at the party to have a good time. After a big game, not a lot of people leave their friend’s wondering why there were no chips there. If you don’t have beer, you have a problem. Beer Guy is reliable. He’s ready to have fun. He is a candidate to be Prop Bet Guy (More on him later). Now be warned, there are two types of Beer Guys—Cheap Beer Guy and Microbrew Guy. Cheap Beer Guy wants everyone to have a fun. He probably brought 30 Stones, or sprung for a keg. Micro Guy, on the other hand, isn’t going to be as friendly. He brought a six-pack or a few 22s of his home brew. He’ll give away a few of them though, because he doubles as the DD. Either way, you need a Beer Guy. He is the party’s MVP.
This guy wants to do shots. He wants to do them for every touchdown. Then he wants to do them for every close-up of a player’s wife or child or mother. Then for a pass. You don’t like this guy. Nobody likes this guy.
Spinach-dip Breadloaf Couple
There may be an overlap between Breadloalf couple and Microbrew Guy. This couple is there mostly for the social aspect. They don’t care much about the game.
The good news is the spinach dip is delicious. It will take a while for people to get to it, but as soon as the bread is broken it will be gone. The bad news is there will be a lot of annoying questions/comments from this duo. She won’t know much about football. Neither will he. The difference is she will ask to learn, he’ll pretend he knows. This is the first game they’ve watched this year.
Prop Bet Guy
If Beer Guy’s main motive is to have fun, Prop Bet Guy’s motive is to get a laugh — and maybe make a buck. The guy throwing out all the bets usually doesn’t have a clue. He’s creating absurd scenarios. He gives himself favorable odds to make up for the fact the bets he’s floating are not likely to occur. Take his bets — usually at a dollar apiece — because you’ll come out on top. In order to get in on the most bets possible, you’ll want to sit next to Prop Bet Guy. That is, until he’s spent too much time with Liquor Guy. That’s when bets turn from, “Over-under on yards for this drive: 55” to “Pass or run.” Eventually the bets spill over from the game into the commercial breaks. “Which commercial kicks off the break, soda or chips?” The safest bet of the night is he becomes obnoxious.
Kyle Boggs is on Twitter. Follow him at @KyleKBoggs