Dear Mr. Knight,
With your help, the University of Oregon’s football team has really blossomed.
A good team, quotable coach, great facilities, flashy uniforms … the Oregon Ducks have just about everything a fan could want.
But there’s something missing.
I’ve tried to bring that missing element into Autzen Stadium only to see it drowned out in a chorus of screaming drunks.
You, Mr. Knight, on the other hand, might be able to make this dream come true. I can’t be sure, but I think you carry more clout than me.
Under your watchful eye and with a big boost from your company’s fashion designers, Oregon has modeled itself after its mascot. Defenders lucky enough to see Oregon from the front see feathers on the helmets, wings on the shoulders. The Ducks have become Ducks.
You see, with this transition on the field, the next logical step is to morph the fans as well. Turn them into Ducks too.
Fans at Autzen are great. They’re loud. They’re generally knowledgeable about football situations. But the routine has become a bit stale. Go Ducks makes a great Twitter hash tag, but it’s not the cutting edge cheer a program at the forefront of football innovation should take pride in.
There’s enough Go Blazers, Go Beavers, Go Everyone chants going around that the Ducks need to separate themselves from the flock.
The good news is there is already a blueprint. The decision has already been made. Our cheer has been created.
And this cheer was introduced to the United States of America 20 years ago.
To this day, inexplicably, it has not become a staple at your alma mater. This cheer needs to become a tradition along the likes of hearing about the dry weather inside the stadium and seeing the Duck lead the team onto the field on a Harley.
From this day forward, Oregon needs to see Gordon Bombay on the Jumbotron leading 58,000 in a quackalong.
Bombay’s slow quack motivated the Mighty Ducks and turned that ragged bunch of misfits into the greatest youth hockey team ever assembled.
OK, that might not be entirely true, but you get the point.
This is where you come in, Mr. Knight.
I’m sure there is some sort of license or copyright owned by Disney. I’m also sure that with your deep pockets, some sort of agreement could be reached.
I know you have been generous in the past and I feel guilty asking for more. I don’t want to sound like the kid who gets $25 from his grandparents at Christmas and is upset he didn’t get $50, but that’s how strongly I feel about this.
Oregon needs this.
Our upstate rivals have the chainsaw. We can one-up them here and add a quack chant the entire stadium can be invested in. And ours will make sense: I’ve heard a Duck quack, have you seen a Beaver use a chainsaw?
Please Mr. Knight, I hope you will consider this request. It could become your greatest contribution to the University of Oregon.
Kyle K. Boggs