Seattle Seahawks Star Wars Mashup – Making The Kessel Run At Super Bowl LI

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Rogue One” opened in theaters last night, and with Seattle winning the NFC West almost simultaneously (which was in a lot of ways like taking down a moon base as part of a much bigger mission to clear the way to take down the Empire, which is an unrelated spoiler involving a movie trilogy at its youngest 33 years old, and if you haven’t seen it yet we are not responsible), we here at OSN thought it might be a fun little experiment to compare the Seahawks to the story arc of one of our favorite Jedi Knights.

Fair warning – some of this will line up really well, and other parts are quite a stretch. In the movie business, that’s called taking artistic license. In the sports entertainment mashup column industry, that’s called making it fun. So let’s just keep it fun, and go along for the ride. The person writing this has not yet seen “Rogue One”, so if anything gets spoiled, any similarity must be considered completely coincidental, and all angry letters must be addressed to “The Ringer.com care of Santa Claus” so that someone will assuredly see them. And we’re moving on.

Our main character Russell Wilson, who may compare to the Greek God Atlas more than any other mythological character, clearly carries an immense amount of responsibility. While it may not be on the level of a “lonely, friendless, whiny kid from a hydrogen farm who is actively shopping for a translator droid or getting his kicks picking up power converters (no one thinks of boring fictitious life paths or jobs quite like George Lucas) on a desert planet who is destined to bring balance to the force” level of responsibility, it’s probably more than most 28 year olds are asked to endure less than five years removed from life at the academy. 

Wilson has appeared in two Super Bowls, won one, and may or may not have had a hand (keep this handy, it will come into play later) in losing the other. All this in less than five years, and many will realistically tell you that they fully expect him to get his career going, you know, eventually. 

Yeah Russ, if you could pick up the pace for crying out loud. At this rate you’ll only be elected into the Hall Of Fame once.

Wilson (playing the role of Skywalker) made his debut in 2012, and while he had his share of rookie growing pains while looking like a Jedi blocking laser shots while wearing a helmet with the blast shield down, he was able to figure the pro game out, made the playoffs, and even won his first playoff game. He did  get a ton of help from the very quotable but ultimately misguided Marshawn Lynch, who will play Han Solo in this story.  Lynch Solo was originally in it only for the money, but with a little coaching from Pete Carroll (clearly Obi-Wan), he was all about that action, boss. 

Luke Skywalker had a similar start to his career, making his debut in the middle of the galactic war on freedom a long time ago (Lucas’ chronology skills are not strong), and with a little lot of much whining along the way, he was bailed out with help from his mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi, his pal and smuggler Han Solo (Lynch), U-Mad-Bro Chewbacca (Richard Sherman), and he was able to shock the Empire with his first shot (pun intended). He may not have put a stop to the villain completely, but he sent them spiraling with no clear recovery path.

Wilson’s first season peaked in October with a win over future HOF QB Tom Brady, who in many ways is more similar to Darth Vader than he’d like to admit. Brady’s humble beginnings as a long-shot project coming out of college before being thrust into a starting role earlier than expected (which is only reasonably explained via illegal use of the Force…), only to lead the Patriots to a number of major victories in the Super Bowl while chugging the Kool-Aid served up by the Emperor (Belichick). His obsession with power and fame developed into a very strong desire to win at any cost. His supermodel wife Padme (Giselle) somehow wasn’t enough to calm him down or remove the chip on his shoulder, so Russell Skywalker’s bros get in Vader’s head with some classic trash talk in a classic underdog victory that looked a lot like this, although most of you probably saw this.

Russell Skywalker and Tom Vader met again almost three years later in February 2015, with everything on the line, and after Marshawn Solo is frozen in carbonite (which is the only way to explain this play-call followed by Darth Vader jumping and screaming like a crazy happy little kid at the end of Empire Strikes Back), Skywalker has his hand cut off and is rendered helpless, loses the battle, and starts the long crawl home.. What, did your VHS not have this scene? Lucky you. You probably saw Chewie Sherman’s reaction, which was a lot like this series of painful reactions.

This is the best breakdown of Super Bowl XLIX I’ve seen, and the 5:30 mark is a great representation of Seattle with 2nd and goal and less than thirty seconds to go. What happens next is terrifying for all fans of the Seattle Rebellion, and sends Russell Skywalker spiraling. 

Fast forward nearly three years later, and while Russell Skywalker is clearly more powerful than before, a little more patient, and nearly completing his training, he isn’t exactly the most powerful Force user out there, that title still belongs to Tom Vader, who somehow used multiple celebrity passings and helped promote and elect a very odd choice for the leader of the free world to distract us from whether or not he was the guilty party in Deflategate. As much as we hate him, we begrudgingly respect his wide array of talents. He may be cruel, but he is making the Empire great again. 

The third showdown between Skywalker and Vader took place this season in November, and went very much the same as it did in Return of the Jedi. Vader drags his feet for three quarters, then with Emperor Belichick nudging him, he goes full Sith Lord and goes for the kill with the clock winding down. Unfortunately for Vader, Luke and his friends have finally learned how to work as a great team and go for it all, getting revenge on Vader on his home turf with this well timed and incredible goal line stand.

So does the amazing and enthralling space opera end here? Perhaps, perhaps not. There is a potential for one last showdown on the biggest stage this February, and for Russell Skywalker to get lasting revenge against Tom Vader once and for all. 

Who knows, maybe a defeat in their seventh and final Super Bowl will be enough to send Darth Brady and Emperor Belichick down the road to retirement, one would hope that a 15 year reign at the top would be enough for anyone, but you know those pesky Sith Lords, they always travel in pairs and they hate nothing more than relinquishing power.

With young Finn Rawls on the roster in place of the departed Marshawn Solo, can Russell Skywalker and Pete Kenobi guide the Seahawks to the Super Bowl and take down the Patriots to claim galactic supremacy?

We’ll find out. Difficult to see, always in motion is the future.  

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About Author

Casey Mabbott

Casey Mabbott is a writer and podcast host born and raised in West Philadelphia where he spent most of his days on the basketball court perfecting his million dollar jumpshot. Wait, no, that’s all wrong. Casey has spent his entire life here in the Pacific NorthWest other than his one year stint as mayor of Hill Valley in an alternate reality 1985. He’s never been to Philadelphia, and his closest friends will tell you that his jumpshot is the farthest thing from being worth a million bucks. Casey enjoys all sports and covering them with written words or spoken rants. He has made an art of movie references, and is a devout follower of 80's movies and music. I don't know why you would to, but you can probably find him on the street corner waiting for the trolley to take him to the stadium or his favorite pub, where he will be telling people the answers to questions they don’t remember asking. And it only goes downhill from there if he drinks. He’s a real treat.

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